Review: ‘The Machine’ (2023), starring Bert Kreischer, Mark Hamill, Jimmy Tatro, Iva Babić, Stephanie Kurtzuba and Jess Gabor

May 26, 2023

by Carla Hay

Mark Hamill and Bert Kreischer in “The Machine” (Photo by Aleksandar Letic/Screen Gems)

“The Machine” (2023)

Directed by Peter Atencio

Some language in Russian with subtitles

Culture Representation: Taking place in Russia and in the United States, the action comedy film “The Machine” features a nearly all-white cast of characters (with a few African Americans) representing the working-class, middle-class and wealthy.

Culture Clash: Rude and crude American comedian Bert “The Machine” Kreischer and his father are kidnapped and brought to Russia by Russian criminals, who want Bert to find a valuable watch that they claim he stole 23 years earlier, when Bert was a partying college student visiting Russia. 

Culture Audience: “The Machine” will appeal primarily to people who are fans of Kreischer, but even they might find this relentlessly idiotic and dull movie very hard to take.

Iva Babić and Bert Kreischer in “The Machine” (Photo by Aleksandar Letic/Screen Gems)

Crude, boring and obnoxiously stupid, “The Machine” repeatedly misfires and malfunctions as a showcase for stand-up comedian Bert “The Machine” Kreischer, who portrays a version of himself in his first starring movie role. Kreischer is also a producer of this grossly incompetent action comedy, released by Sony Pictures Entertainment’s Screen Gems. “The Machine” might have this corporate-owned movie studio as a distributor, but this junkpile film is worse than the most amateur, low-budget independent films that you could ever see.

Directed by Peter Atencio, “The Machine” has no creativity, no style and no charm. It stumbles around in repetitive scenarios and spews out deeply unfunny “jokes” that sound like ideas that would be rejected at low-rent comedy clubs. Kevin Biegel and Scotty Landes wrote the putrid screenplay for “The Machine,” which is proof that if you throw enough money around, untalented garbage can be made into a terrible movie. “The Machine” also has very unimaginative stereotypes of Russian mobsters. These lazy clichés quickly become tiresome.

“The Machine” doesn’t have much of a plot. The movie’s opening scene shows a Russian mobster boss named Igor (played by Nikola Djuricko) watching controversial stand-up comedian Bert Kreischer (whose persona is being a politically incorrect, drinking-and-drugging blowhard) doing a stand-up routine on TV. Igor becomes incensed and yells at the screen: “I want what you stole, Machine!” The enraged gangster than destroys the TV by shooting a gun at it.

A sloppily filmed montage near the beginning of the movie shows that Bert is having a meltdown in his career and in his personal life. Bert almost got his teenage daughter Sasha (played by Jess Gabor) arrested for something that was actually his fault. He’s such a terrible father, he livestreamed Sasha getting detained by police. As a result of the backlash, Bert took a hiatus from social media and cancelled his comedy tour.

Bert is smug and defiant during a family therapy session in the office of their therapist (played by Brian Caspe), who looks like he would rather be anywhere else but forced to be in a room with this lunkhead. Also in the therapy session are Bert’s long-suffering wife LeeAnn (played by Stephanie Kurtzuba), their obedient tween daughter Tatiana (played by Amelie Child Villiers) and a sulking Sasha. Bert congratulates himself for not calling anyone in the room the “c” word (as in “cunt”), even if he thinks they deserve to be called that word.

Back at home, Bert continues to heap praise on himself, by bragging to his family that he hasn’t done anything publicly embarrassing in three months. What does he want? A medal? Kreischer is married with two daughters in real life. This stinker of a movie is surely going to be an embarrassment for the entire family. Kreischer’s real-life wife (who really does have the name LeeAnn Kreischer) is also one of the producers of “The Machine,” which means she got suckered into sinking some of her own money into this irredeemable flop.

Bert wants to look like he’s sorry for what he’s done to Sasha, so he throws a big 16th birthday party for her at the family home. The problem is that party isn’t really about Sasha. It’s about Bert showing off. Sasha doesn’t even know most of the people whom Bert invited to the party. It just leads to Sasha having more resentment for her selfish father. To put on a façade that he’s “cleaned up his act,” Bert decided not have any alcohol served at the party, which is attended mostly by adults.

Here’s an example of the rotten “comedy” in “The Machine”: One of the party guests is a family friend named Madison (played by Tea Wagner), who is in the process of getting a divorce. Madison asks Bert in an annoyed voice about the lack of alcohol at the party: “No booze?” Bert replies, “Hey, Madison: No husband?” And then, he mutters underneath his breath: “Fucking bitch.”

Soon, it will be Bert’s turn to get annoyed, when his estranged father Albert Kreischer (played by Mark Hamill) shows up unannounced at the party. Bert is bitter because he thinks Albert has been an inattentive father for most of Bert’s life. Albert, who lives in Florida, owns a carpet company called Kreischer Karpets. Albert thinks that Bert’s career as a comedian is probably over, so he offers Bert a job at the carpet company. It’s an offer that Bert abruptly refuses.

There’s another uninvited guest who shows up at the party. She’s a Russian mob enforcer named Irina (played by Iva Babić, in a very campy performance), who works for Igor. Irina tells Bert that she’s there to get a pocket watch that Bert stole on a train 23 years ago, when he was a 25-year-old college student visiting Russia on a school trip. Bert denies knowing anything about this pocket watch.

However, Bert and Albert get kidnapped by Irina and her goons anyway and are taken by private plane to Russia. (“The Machine” was actually filmed in Serbia.) Irina says that while Bert is in Russia, his daughters will be under surveillance by some of her cronies. Irina warns Bert that if he doesn’t do what he’s told, then his daughters will be harmed. Irina’s cronies are mostly forgettable and generic, except for Irina’s bodyguard: a hulking dolt named Sponge (played by Martyn Ford), who immediately clashes with Bert.

The rest of “The Machine” is nothing but a slog of dimwitted dialogue and fake-looking fight scenes. There are some tedious flashbacks showing college-age Bert (played by Jimmy Tatro) and his shenanigans in Russia. In the flashbacks, there’s a useless subplot involving Bert treating his classmate Ashley (played by Rita Bernard-Shaw), who’s a potential love interest for Bert, like a subservient maid. It’s not a good look, considering Ashley is the only non-white character who has a speaking role in the movie. (Rachel Momcilov portrays the present-day Ashley.)

Kreischer is utterly cringeworthy as an actor and has no charisma on screen. All of the movie’s other performances range from mediocre to unwatchable. Hamill often looks like he regrets signing up for this cesspool of a movie, and he puts no credible effort in his performance. How did he end up in this tacky mess? Did the “Star Wars” franchise not pay Hamill enough money?

There’s no other way to put it: “The Machine” is a complete failure in every single way. It’s yet another example of how being a famous stand-up comedian doesn’t automatically mean that the comedian has what it takes to be a movie star. “The Machine” should have been put out of commission before it was even made.

Screen Gems released “The Machine” in U.S. cinemas on May 26, 2023.

Stan Lee ‘Excelsior’ tribute in Los Angeles will feature Kevin Smith, Mark Hamill, RZA and other celebrities

January 24, 2019

Stan Lee
Stan Lee (Photo courtesy of Tinseltown Shutterstock)

The following is a press release from Legion M:

Excelsior! A Celebration of the Amazing, Fantastic, Incredible & Uncanny Life of Stan Lee,” will be attended by Mark Hamill, RZA, Clark Gregg, Felicia Day, Bill Duke, cast members from Marvel’s “The Runaways,” cast members from FX’s “Legion,” and Fox’s “The Gifted,” among many other luminaries from the entertainment world.

Fans wishing to attend “Excelsior! A Stan Lee Celebration” can get a limited number of tickets at legionm.com/stantribute. All net proceeds from the event’s ticket sales will go to the non-profit organization The Hero Initiative, a charity supporting comic book creators, artists and writers in need.

The tribute event on Wednesday, January 30, will begin at 4 p.m. PT with a section of the TCL Chinese Theatre forecourt transformed into a fan experience of Stan Lee’s life and career. There will be a memorial centered around his cement imprint which will be displayed next to the speaker’s podium. Ticketed fans will be allowed to leave flowers, candles and sign a book of condolences.

Photos, artwork, Stan’s classic comic books and memorabilia will be on exhibit in the forecourt along with a special preview of pop-culture artist Rob Prior’s upcoming gallery show “The Legacy Collection of Stan Lee.” Prior will do a live painting in the forecourt during the opening portion of the tribute. Artist Jennifer Contini will also have her series “This Love Lives On” featuring images of Stan Lee on display. The White Castle Crave Mobile will be serving sliders, one of Stan’s favorite snacks, for all the fans.

Producers of the event, Legion M’s David Baxter and Terri Lubaroff, Stan Lee’s POW! Entertainment’s Bob Sabouni and Agents of Mayhem Darren Passarello will greet fans and introduce several public speakers before Kevin Smith arrives and assembles an honor guard of world class cosplayers representing many of Stan’s co-creations, including Avengers, Spider-Man, Dr. Strange, and more to pay their respects and lead the crowd in a final salute to this legendary pop culture icon accompanied by a police band of pipes and drums.

On the red carpet, a group of veterans from Veterans in Media & Entertainment and The American Legion of Hollywood Post 43 will honor Stan for his service during World War II, and Chief Paul Cell, President of the International Association of Chiefs of Police, will recognize Stan’s contributions for his work supporting law enforcement and creating safer communities.

Family from the other co-creators of the Marvel Universe will attend to pay their respects and join in the celebration, including Tracy and Jeremy Kirby, grandchildren of Jack Kirby, Mark and Stephen Ditko, nephews of Steve Ditko, and Jenna Parker, daughter of Sol Brodsky, all of whom were part of the original Marvel Bullpen.

After red-carpet arrivals, the tribute will commence in the TCL Chinese IMAX Theatre where Kevin Smith will moderate conversations with celebrity speakers from the entertainment industry including Mark Hamill, Rob Liefeld (Co-Creator of Deadpool), Michael Uslan (Executive Producer, “The Dark Knight”), RZA, and Tom DeSanto (Executive Producer, “X-Men”).

The evening will also include discussions with stars from the comics world and Stan’s personal friends, including Marv Wolfman (Blade creator), Marvel’s Chief Creative Officer Joe Quesada and Executive VP, Head of Television Jeph Loeb, artist Bill Sienkiewicz (Elektra: Assassin), and Stan’s business partner at Stan Lee’s POW! Entertainment, Gill Champion.

Members of the creative team behind the Academy Award®-nominated “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse,” including writer/producer Phil Lord and producers Chris Miller, Avi Arad and Amy Pascal will also be on stage to honor Stan. Producers Lauren Shuler Donner and Derek Hoffman round off the evening’s panels as they speak to and celebrate the modern impact of Stan’s characters through two decades of X-Men in film and television.

The evening will be complete with video tributes from stars who are unable to attend as well as live celebrity performances of Stan’s favorite music and poetry.

The tribute event is being produced by fan-owned entertainment company Legion M, which is revolutionizing the way entertainment is made in Hollywood by uniting a growing fan community of 50,000+ members, including more than 10,000 fan-owners. In addition to producing film and television projects, Legion M organized Stan Lee’s hand and foot imprint ceremony at the TCL Chinese Theatre in 2017. Legion M is producing the tribute with the production and consulting company Agents of Mayhem whose founder Darren Passarello worked for Stan for several years.

Both companies are working with Stan Lee’s POW! Entertainment, the multimedia company founded in 2001 by Stan with his friend and business partner Gill Champion, its president. Stan Lee’s POW! Entertainment is the sole owner of the Stan Lee name and all new original content he created since 2001.

Under the leadership of CEO Scott D. Williams and Gill Champion, the company has been and will continue to be the guardian of Stan Lee’s legacy and is excited to roll out new projects and new adventures Stan had been working on. On behalf of Stan Lee’s POW! Entertainment, Chief Marketing Officer Bob Sabouni will be overseeing and guiding the tribute day alongside the other event partners.Producers of the tribute event will continue to announce additional details for the event via social media feeds. Details of specific speakers, performers and other activities will be shared on the social channels for Kevin Smith, Legion M, Agents of Mayhem, and Stan Lee’s POW! Entertainment. (@TheRealStanLee, @ThatKevinSmith, @LegionMOfficial, @AgentsofMayhem).

___________________

About Kevin Smith

Starting with CLERKS, Kevin Smith has been making movies, TV, live shows and podcasts for 25 years now. He almost died recently but it was only a passing thing.

About Stan Lee’s POW! Entertainment

POW! Entertainment Inc. is a multimedia company founded in 2001 by the iconic comic book creator Stan Lee  with his friend and business partner Gill Champion, who is the President today, to create and license intellectual properties for entertainment media, including: feature length films, television, merchandising, branded content and other related ancillary markets as well as exclusively maintain and protect the ownership of his name, likeness, voice, trademarks and publicity rights throughout the world. POW! Entertainment was acquired by Hong Kong-based Camsing International Holding Limited, one of China’s leading brand licensing, entertainment, marketing and promotion companies, in 2017. Under new leadership, another original founder and industry veterans from Marvel and MGM, POW! is working with top writers, artists, animators, filmmakers and actors to extend the legacy of the greatest storyteller of our time.

About Legion M

Legion M is the world’s first fan-owned entertainment company that is revolutionizing the way entertainment is made in Hollywood by uniting a growing fan community of 50,000+ members, including more than 10,000 fan-owners.  Through its Fan-Owned business model, Legion M invests in a diverse slate of original projects in various stages of development, including the feature film and comic book “Girl With No Name”; multiple original television series including “Evermor,” “Airship Cowboys,” and “Malice;” as well as interactive and VR-based projects, including “ICONS: Face to Face” starring Stan Lee and Kevin Smith.  Legion M also invests in partner productions, including the critically acclaimed Colossal, starring Anne Hathaway and Jason Sudeikis, and directed by Nacho Vigalondo, the cult hit “Mandy” starring Nicolas Cage and directed by Panos Cosmatos, and “Bad Samaritan” starring David Tennant and directed and produced by Dean Devlin.  Legion M and its fan community has produced high-profile events honoring some of the industry’s biggest names, including the Stan Lee hand and footprint ceremony at Hollywood’s TCL Chinese Theatre in 2017.  To learn more about Legion M and become a member of the Legion for free, visit www.legionm.com.

About Agents of Mayhem™

A production and consulting company founded by a dynamic force within the entertainment industry with over 16+ years’ experience working with the world’s biggest brands. A.O.M’s mission is to create exceptional and original content, through its creative studio arm New Yorkie Studios™ which serves as an incubator for content, by showcasing talent, skills, and passion of celebrity and non-celebrity creators. A.O.M focuses on development, content strategy, creative consulting, and distribution. (www.AgentsofMayhem.com)

About The Hero Initiative

The Hero Initiative is the first-ever federally chartered not-for-profit corporation dedicated strictly to helping comic book creators in need. Hero creates a financial safety net for yesterday’s creators who may

emergency medical aid, financial support for essentials of life, and an avenue back into paying work. It’s a chance for all of us to give back something to the people who have given us so much enjoyment.

Since its inception, The Hero Initiative has had the good fortune to grant over $1 million to the comic book veterans who have paved the way for those in the industry today. For more information, visit www.heroinitiative.org or call 626-676-6354.

Hollywood Walk of Fame announces 2018 star recipients

June 22. 2017

The following is a press release from the Hollywood Walk of Fame:

A new group of entertainment professionals in the categories of Motion Pictures, Television, Live Theatre/Live Performance, Radio and Recording have been selected to receive stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, it was announced today, Thursday, June 22, 2017 by the Walk of Fame Selection Committee of the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. These honorees were chosen from among hundreds of nominations to the committee at a meeting held in June and ratified by the Hollywood Chamber’s Board of Directors. Television Producer and Walk of Famer Vin Di Bona, Chair of the Walk of Fame Selection Committee for 2017, announced the new honorees with Leron Gubler, President & CEO for the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce who is also the emcee of the Walk of Fame ceremonies.

The new selections were revealed to the world via live stream exclusively on the official website www.walkoffame.com. The live stream began at 2:15 p.m. PDT and was held at the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce offices.

“The Walk of Fame Selection Committee is pleased to announce our newest honorees to the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The Committee looked carefully at each nominee and we feel that we have selected an eclectic group of talent that will appeal to the tastes of many fans around the world,” said Di Bona. “As a Walk of Famer myself, I know these honorees will remember the dedication of their stars with great memories and will be proud that they are part of Hollywood’s history now and forever. We look forward to their big day as the Walk of Fame Class of 2018 becomes cemented one by one on the most famous sidewalk in the world!”

The Hollywood Walk of Fame Class of 2018 are:

In the category of MOTION PICTURES:   Jack Black, Kirsten Dunst, Jeff Goldblum, F. Gary Gray, Mark Hamill, Jennifer Lawrence, Gina Lollobrigida, Minnie Mouse, Nick Nolte and Zoe Saldana

In the category of TELEVISION:   Anthony Anderson, Gillian Anderson, Lynda Carter, Simon Cowell, RuPaul Charles, Taraji P. Henson, Eric McCormack, Ryan Murphy, Niecy Nash, Mandy Patinkin, Shonda Rhimes, and posthumous Steve Irwin

In the category of RECORDING:  Mary J. Blige, Sir Richard Branson, Petula Clark, Harry Connick, Jr., Ice T, Snoop Dogg, Carrie Underwood and “Weird Al” Yankovic

In the category of RADIO:   Steve Jones

In the category of LIVE THEATRE/LIVE PERFORMANCE:   Charles Aznavour, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and posthumous Bernie Mac

The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce and its Walk of Fame Selection Committee congratulate all the honorees. Dates have not been scheduled for these star ceremonies. Recipients have two years to schedule star ceremonies from the date of selection before they expire. Upcoming star ceremonies are usually announced ten days prior to dedication on the official website www.walkoffame.com.

2017 Star Wars Celebration: ‘Last Jedi’ trailer premieres, Harrison Ford appears; watch videos from the event

April 16, 2017

Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and George Lucas at the 12th edition of Star Wars Celebration at the Orange County Convention Center in Orlando, Florida, on April 14, 2017.
Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford and George Lucas at the 12th edition of Star Wars Celebration at the Orange County Convention Center in Orlando, Florida, on April 14, 2017. (Photo courtesy of Lucasfilm)

The 12th edition of Star Wars Celebration took place April 12 to 16, 2017, at the Orange County Convention Center in Orlando, Florida.

Harrison Ford, who played Han Solo in several “Star Wars” movies, made his first appearance at the event. He was on a panel with “Star Wars” creator/director George Lucas and “Star Wars” actor Mark Hamill (best known for playing Luke Skywalker) celebrating the 40th anniversary of the 1977 “Star Wars” movie. Others who appeared at the event included past and present “Star Wars” co-stars such as Liam Neeson, Ian McDiarmid, Hayden Christensen, Samuel L. Jackson, Anthony Daniels, Peter Mayhew, Billie Lourd, Billy Dee Williams, Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford. Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy, “Star Wars Rebels” executive producer/supervising director Dave Filoni and “Star Wars” composer John Williams.

The teaser trailer for Star Wars The Last Jedi was revealed. The movie is set to be released on December 15, 2017.

It was also revealed that the late Carrie Fisher (who died in December 2016) will not be in “Star Wars: Episode IX,” which will be released sometime in 2019.

The fourth season of the animated series “Star Wars Rebels” will be its last season.

An update was given on the “Star Wars” themed attraction, which is set to open in 2019 at Disney Parks in California and Florida. Among the features: Guests will be able to ride a replica of the Millennium Falcon, as well experience the cantina that was in the 1977 “Star Wars” movie.

The event concluded with a surprise performance from Oscar-winning “Star Wars” composer John Williams and an orchestra.

Here are video highlights from Star Wars Celebration 2017:

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