Osgood Perkins Archives

Review: ‘Keeper’ (2025), starring Tatiana Maslany and Rossif Sutherland

November 14, 2025

by Carla Hay

Tatiana Maslany and Rossif Sutherland in “Keeper” (Photo by Asterios Moutsokapas/Neon)

“Keeper” (2025)

Directed by Osgood Perkins

Culture Representation: Taking place in 2023, in an unnamed part of Canada, the horror film “Keeper” features a predominantly white cast of characters (with one Asian person and one Latina) representing the working-class and middle-class.

Culture Clash: A medical doctor and a painter artist, who have been dating each other for one year, take a getaway trip to the doctor’s family cabin in a remote wooded area, where the woman in the relationship has terrifying experiences.

Culture Audience: “Keeper” will appeal primarily to people who are fans of the movie’s headliners, filmmaker Osgood Perkins, and people who don’t mind watching vague horror movies that rush through a muddled plot reveal.

A scene from “Keeper” (Photo by Asterios Moutsokapas/Neon)

“Keeper” is a series of creepy and grotesque images in search of a coherent plot. Most of this mopey “cabin in the woods” horror flick is a boring waiting game for the biggest scares to happen. Although some of the visual imagery is unique, it’s not enough to make “Keeper” a genuinely interesting film because the story ideas are too underdeveloped.

Directed by Osgood Perkins and written by Nick Lepard, “Keeper” had the potential to be a terrifying mystery with fascinating characters. Instead, the characters are merely vague sketches of personalities with drab dialogue. And although horror movies often rely on having characters who make stupid decisions, the protagonist shows an astounding lack of common sense that’s all in service of the movie’s flimsy reason from why the protagonist is “stuck” in the woods.

“Keeper” is yet another horror movie about deadly things happening to people who are in an isolated wooded area. “Keeper” takes place in an unnamed part of Canada. The movie was actually filmed in Vancouver.

“Keeper” begins by showing a montage of four women in different time periods. Louise (played by Claire Friesen) is in 1788. Julia (played by Erin Boyes) is in 1956. Francis (played by Gina Vultaggio) is in 1978. Leslie (played by Christin Park) is in 1983. It’s the first indication that the horror in the story has been happening for centuries.

Each woman is seen with various expressions on their faces in these scenarios: (1) looking at a love interest for the first time: (2) being in a romantic relationship with this love interest; and (3) feeling disillusioned and disgusted by this love interest. No words are spoken in these montage scenes, and the person they are looking at is not seen on camera.

“Keeper” than fast-forwards to November 2023. Medical doctor Malcolm Westbridge (played by Rossif Sutherland) is taking his painter artist girlfriend Liz (played by Tatiana Maslany) to a remote wooded area where his family has owned a cabin and guest house for years. Liz is a city dweller who’s uncomfortable with being in rural environments. However, she has accompanied Malcolm on this trip because she wants to please him.

This will be the first time that Liz is going to this family property. It’s mentioned early on in the movie that Malcolm and Liz have been dating each other for a year. It’s actually the month of their one-year anniversary. Later, in a conversation between Malcolm and Liz, it’s revealed that the couple met when Malcolm bought one of Liz’s paintings.

Before going to the cabin, Liz is seen talking on the phone with her best friend Maggie (played by Tess Degenstein), who expresses surprise that “subway rat” Liz would want to be in this remote area for any length of time. Liz considers herself open-minded enough to try new things. She also thinks this could be a romantic getaway trip.

Malcolm and Liz are affectionate with each other, but there’s some underlying tension between them. One of the first things that they see when they arrive in the cabin is a cake box on the front porch. Malcolm explains that the cake was left as a gift by the property’s female caretaker, who likes to give this cake as a “tradition.”

The first third of “Keeper” consists of monotonous conversations between Malcolm and Liz, who feels increasingly uncomfortable because she’s been having strange visions and dreams. An eerie scene in the movie shows Liz taking a warm bath and something unseen draws a heart on the steam-misted window behind her. There are also indications that a strange creature with very long arms is lurking in the woods can can sneak into the house.

Malcolm and Liz get an unexpected visit from Malcolm’s younger cousin Darren (played by Birkett Turton), a sleazy and sexist jerk who stays in the guest house when he comes to visit. Malcolm was not expecting Darren to be there, but since it’s family-owned property, Darren feels entitled to show up whenever he feels like it. Malcolm and Darren give the impression that they don’t like each other very much.

Darren is accompanied by an Eastern European model named Minka (played by Eden Weiss), who doesn’t speak much English and is only there to be Darren’s most recent trophy girlfriend. Darren is sure to announce to everyone that Minka is a party girl who likes molly (slang for Ecstasy), and he’s the one in control of the relationship because he pays for everything that she enjoys with him. Minka seems to be aware and consenting of this transactional relationship.

The chocolate cake that was in the cake box is on the kitchen counter. One of the few things that Minka says in English is when she nods toward the cake and tells Liz that the cake “tastes like shit.” It’s at this point that you know Liz is going to eat that cake.

And sure enough, after Darren and Minka have left, Malcolm persuades a reluctant Liz to eat a piece of the cake. Liz doesn’t want to eat the cake at first because she tells Malcolm that she doesn’t like chocolate. However, he convinces her to eat some cake by manipulating her into thinking that if she does it, it will prove that she’s loyal to him. As soon as Liz eats the cake, you know things are going to get worse for her.

A day or two later, Malcolm says he has to temporarily leave the cabin because of a work-related emergency. He tells Liz that an elderly patient named Mrs. Portnoy is coming out of a medically induced coma, and he needs to be there when Mrs. Portnoy regains consciousness. Malcolm leaves in the car that he and Liz took to get to the cabin, so Liz is now stuck with no transportation. You can easily predict that when Liz is alone in the house, there will be more jump scares and unexplained sightings.

One of the things that will alienate viewers from Liz is that when she has conversations, she has a smug and sarcastic attitude where she seems to think she’s the smartest person in the room. However, Liz isn’t as intelligent as she thinks she is because when things get to be too uncomfortable and frightening for Liz at the cabin, she only calls Maggie to give her a ride out of this place, as if Maggie is the only person who could possibly give her a ride. Hasn’t Liz heard of car services? Apparently, the filmmakers of “Keeper” expect viewers to forget car services exist.

“Keeper” then lumbers along until the last third of the movie, which is a parade of memorable but ultimately shallow imagery of certain beings that look like they would fit right in at an amusement park’s haunted house attraction. And just like a haunted house attraction, the jump scares in “Keeper” are fleeting. The movie’s visually striking cinematography (by Jeremy Cox) and effectively spooky music score (by Edo Van Breemen) are two of the few assets for “Keeper.”

The performances in the movie are serviceable, with Maslany as the only cast member who’s required to show a myriad of emotions. Maslany is certainly skilled at being a “scream queen,” but her Liz character just isn’t very believable with all of Liz’s lapses in logic. And it’s too easy to figure out very early in the story who the chief villain is.

In a story already filled with plot holes, the ending of “Keeper” seems cobbled together, like a screenplay that wasn’t completely finished before a deadline. “Keeper” also missed huge opportunities to tell more about Louise, Julia, Francis and Leslie. The movie couldn’t even make the protagonist a well-rounded character. And that’s why it’s not surprising that everyone else in “Keeper” is also just an empty vessel in a very flawed horror movie that has more style than substance.

Neon released “Keeper” in U.S. cinemas on November 14, 2025.

Review: ‘The Monkey’ (2025), starring Theo James, Tatiana Maslany, Elijah Wood, Christian Convery, Colin O’Brien, Rohan Campbell and Sarah Levy

February 17, 2025

by Carla Hay

A scene from “The Monkey” (Photo courtesy of Neon)

“The Monkey” (2025)

Directed by Osgood Perkins

Culture Representation: Taking place in Vancouver, the horror comedy film “The Monkey” (based on the short story of the same name) features a predominantly white cast of characters (with a few Asians) representing the working-class, middle-class and wealthy.

Culture Clash: Identical twin brothers are haunted by a mysterious toy monkey that used to be owned by their father and causes gruesome deaths to the people who become targets of the monkey’s curse.

Culture Audience: “The Monkey” will appeal mainly to people who are fans of the movie’s headliners and filmmaker Osgood Perkins, but some viewers might find the movie’s dark comedy off-putting and awkward.

Theo James in “The Monkey” (Photo courtesy of Neon)

“The Monkey” blends dark comedy with gory deaths in this horror film about a homicidal toy monkey. The movie (whose first half is better than the second half) isn’t that scary and is more about seeing the bizarre ways that people die. “The Monkey” is far from being a masterpiece, but it’s a good-enough option for people who like horror movies about deadly toys.

Written and directed by Osgood Perkins, “The Monkey” is based on Stephen King’s 1980 short story of the same name. Not much was done to expand on the short story, which is why the screenplay often seems thin and repetitive. After writing and directing the grim horror movies “Gretel & Hansel” (released in 2020) and “Longlegs” (released in 2024), Perkins makes his first horror comedy with “The Monkey.”

The results are mixed. The big showdown scene at the end of “The Monkey” drags out for too long and nearly ruins the film, because by this point in the movie, it’s obvious who will live and who will die. However, up until that point, “The Monkey” is a spectacle of creatively staged kill scenes that are meant to be absurdist.

“The Monkey” (which was filmed on location in Vancouver) begins sometime in the early 1990s, by showing an airline pilot captain named Petey Shelborn (played by Adam Scott) frantically bursting into a pawn shop and carrying a creepy-looking toy monkey that is seated with a drum. The monkey has a wind-up screw that makes the monkey play the drums when the screw is wound up. Petey, who has blood on his pilot uniform, doesn’t care about selling this item. He just wants to get rid of it.

Petey tells the unnamed pawn shop owner (played by Shafin Karim): “I need you to take this thing off my hands and make it someone else’s problem … It’s not a toy. Don’t ever call it that … You do not ever want the drumstick come down. Because if it does, we are all fucked to hell.”

The pawn shop owner takes the monkey with curiosity. And the most predictable thing happens next: The monkey still has some of its playing power left over from when the last time it was wound up. The monkey starts playing the drums.

A rat in the shop suddenly chews on a rope, and the broken rope causes the pawn shop owner to be harpooned by a spear that was in the shop. It’s an elaborate booby-trap-styled kill. Petey then uses a flamethrower to try to burn the monkey.

The movie then abruptly cuts to 1999. What happened to Petey? It’s never revealed exactly, but his wife Lois (played by Tatiana Maslany) hasn’t had contact with Petey for years. Lois has bitterly assumed that Petey has abandoned her and their identical twin sons Hal (played by Christian Convery) and Bill (also played by Convery), who are about 13 or 14 years old in 1999.

Why has Lois assumed that Petey is a deadbeat absentee dad? Because of his pilot job, Petey traveled a lot and was an unfaithful husband, according to Lois. She has assumed that Petey ran off with a mistress and started a new life somewhere else. That’s what she has been telling Hal and Bill, who have mixed feelings of resentment toward Petey but also wishing that Petey was still in their lives.

Bill was born first and is a dominant bully to sensitive and introverted Hal. An adult Hal is the narrator of the film. Most of the movie’s scenes that take place in 1999 are about Bill being cruel to Hal. But one day, Hal decides he’s going to get revenge on Bill. And he knows just how to do it.

Before Petey disappeared, he would come home from his airline travels and bring gifts for his Lois and the twins. One day, Hal and Bill are rummaging through things in their home when they discover a wind-up toy monkey that can play a drum. It’s the same monkey that Petey tried to get rid of at the pawn shop. The monkey is mute.

It isn’t long before the twins find out that if the monkey plays the drum, someone nearby will soon die a very violent death. However, as repeated in the movie, the monkey “doesn’t take requests” on who will be the next to die. Therefore, anyone who tries to use the monkey to kill someone might accidentally have someone else killed who isn’t the intended target.

That’s the main reason why watching “The Monkey” is an unpredictable ride. However, movie falls short when it comes to developing characters that viewers will actually care about besides Hal. The deaths in the movie are so freakish, “The Monkey” tends to over-rely on these deaths in substitute for an suspenseful story.

Hal and Bill have a babysitter named Annie Wilkes (played by Danica Dreyer), who takes the twins to a Benihana-type of Japanese restaurant while Lois is on a blind date. (Fans of King’s books will notice that Annie Wilkes is the same name for the villain in King’s 1987 novel “Misery,” which was later made in to an Oscar-winning 1990 movie of the same name.) The monkey is left in the car and starts playing the drums. It’s the first time that the twins see the evil power of the monkey.

Without giving away too much information, at one point in the movie, Hal and Bill have to spend time living with Lois’ brother Chip (played by Perkins) and Chip’s wife Ida (played by Sarah Levy), who don’t want really want to spend time taking care of children. Chip also tells the twins that he and Ida are swingers. You can easily predict that something bad will happen to Chip and/or Ida.

When Bill and Hall find out that they’re in possession of an evil monkey toy, they decide to do something about it. These actions will follow them into their adulthood, which is shown in the second half of the movie. This second half of “The Monkey” is a bit of a tonal mess but has fairly good performances, despite the movie going overboard with nonsensical kills.

The adult years for Bill and Hal take place in 2024. Hal (played by Theo James) is now a single father who works at as a low-paid sales clerk at a general store. Hal is an emotionally aloof loner who has a distant, almost non-existent relationship with his teenage son Petey (played by Colin O’Brien) not because of a custody arrangement but because Hal deliberately does not want to get too emotionally close to Petey. Hal, who sees his son Petey only once a year, still has a lot of unprocessed trauma from his past regarding the toy monkey and Hal’s own absentee father.

Hal’s son Petey (who is about 13 or 14 years old) was born from a fling that Hal had with Petey’s mother (played by Laura Mennell), who doesn’t have a name in the movie. Petey’s mother is married to a pompous self-help guru/author named Ted (played by Eljah Wood), who is a religious expert on fatherhood. Ted has written books titled “Jesus Dad” and “Fatherhood VII.” Hal starts to regret being mostly unavailable to Petey when Hal finds out during his annual visit with Petey that Ted is going to adopt Petey.

Hal and Bill (also played by James) are estranged and have not seen and spoken to each other in years. But in a movie like “The Monkey,” you know that there will be a reason for Hal and Bill to see each other again. Meanwhile, Hal decides to take Petey to an amusement place called Horror Heaven during a father/son excursion that will take place just a few days before Ted officially adopts Petey.

The “daddy issues” are all over this movie because there’s a flimsy subplot about an unnamed cop (played by Paul Puzzella) and his hooligan son Ricky (played by Rohan Campbell), who has been hired to find the menacing monkey. Why can’t this monkey be destroyed? There’s a rushed and not-very-believable explanation for that in the movie.

“The Monkey” walks a fine line between being wickedly laughable and being downright silly. The origins of the monkey are never explained, which is a huge letdown in the movie’s flawed screenplay. The cast members are serviceable in their roles, but the movie starts to lose its edge once the monkey is in the hands of adults, not children. The filmmakers of “The Monkey” obviously want this film to be the start of a series or franchise, but any other stories based on this one should have more reasons to care about the main characters.

Neon will release “The Monkey” in U.S. cinemas on February 21, 2025. A sneak preview of the movie was shown in U.S. cinemas on February 12, 2025.

Review: ‘Longlegs,’ starring Maika Monroe and Nicolas Cage

July 9, 2024

by Carla Hay

“Longlegs”

Directed by Osgood Perkins

Culture Representation: Taking place in Oregon in the 1990s, the horror film “Longlegs” features a predominantly white cast of characters (with some African Americans and one Asian person) representing the working-class and middle-class.

Culture Clash: FBI agent Lee Harker is on the hunt for a serial killer who calls himself Longlegs and who has a connection to her past that haunts her.

Culture Audience: “Longlegs” will appeal primarily to people who are fans of the movie’s headliners and horror movies about trying to capture serial killers.

Blair Underwood in “Longlegs” (Photo courtesy of Neon)

The horror mystery film “Longlegs” sometimes drags with slow pacing and repetitive scenarios, but the movie has a mostly gripping buildup that leads to a knockout ending. Nicolas Cage gives one of the creepiest and weirdest performances of his career. And that’s saying a lot, considering that Cage has been playing creepy and weird characters in many of his recent movies.

Written and directed by Osgood Perkins, “Longlegs” takes place in Oregon in the 1990s, wth flashbacks to the 1970s. (The movie was actually filmed in Vancouver.) “Longlegs” had its world premiere at the 2024 edition of Beyond Fest. The movie’s opening scene—which takes place somewhere in Oregon, during the winter season in 1974—shows who the title character is: He’s a serial killer who calls himself Longlegs (played by Cage), and he has evaded capture since he was first known to be a serial killer in the 1960s.

In the movie’s first scene, there’s snow on the ground, and Longlegs (who has long, stringy hair and a high-pitched voice) is seen talking to an adolescent girl (played by Lauren Acala) outside of her home. She’s about 12 or 13 years old. Longlegs’ face is only partially shown. He is babbling at her, saying nonsensical things such as, “It seems as if I wore my long legs for you.” He also reaches his hands out to her before the scene abruptly ends.

It’s eventually revealed that this girl has grown up to be FBI agent Lee Harker (played by Maika Monroe), who is on the FBI’s case to find and capture Longlegs. This elusive serial killer has a pattern: He sends letters to law enforcement taking credit for a massacre in which a father has killed his family members and then himself in the family home. The father usually does not have a history of violence, so these massacres are extremely shocking to the communities where the killings take place.

One of the main things that these massacres have in common is that there is a daughter in the family whose birthday is on the 14th of the month. Each massacre also takes place on the daughter’s birthday. He sends letters in coded symbols. (It’s a tactic that’s similar to what California’s real-like Zodiac Killer did.) “Longlegs” spends quite a bit of time on Lee trying to crack this code. Longlegs is also open about having occult beliefs and being a satanist.

Lee is a stoic workaholic who is a loner. Her bottled-up persona masks a lot of childhood turmoil. Lee was raised by a single mother named Ruth Harker (played by Alicia Witt), who is very religious and is overly protective of Lee. (Lee’s father is not seen or mentioned in the movie.) Several scenes in the movie show Lee and Ruth having phone conversations that indicate their relationship is very complicated.

The FBI colleagues whom Lee works with the most are her supervisor Agent Carter (played by Blair Underwood) and Agent Browning (played by Michelle Choi-Lee), who is more experienced than Lee. Agent Browning is somewhat condescending to Lee and doubts that Lee has what it takes to solve this case, even though Lee shows signs that she has an uncanny intuition that might be a psychic ability. A few scenes in the movie show Agent Browning clashing with Lee.

Agent Carter can be demanding but he sees himself as Lee’s caring mentor. At one point, Agent Carter invites Lee into his home and introduces her to his wife Anna (played by Carmel Amit) and their daughter Ruby Carter (played by Ava Kelders), who is very curious about Lee’s FBI work. It takes a while for Lee to warm up to Ruby because Lee seems to be uncomfortable with children.

“Longlegs” also features the serial killer’s only known survivor: Carrie Anne Camera (played by Kiernan Shipka), who is in a psychiatric facility. The movie has flashbacks to Carrie Anne (played by Maila Hosie) as a child when she encountered Longlegs. Naturally, Lee and her FBI colleagues think that Carrie Anne has vital clues that could lead to the capture of Longlegs. All of the “Longlegs” cast members give serviceable performances in this movie, except for Cage who goes all-in (and sometimes overboard) in depicting this very disturbed serial killer.

There are scenes that show that Longlegs is a big fan of T. Rex, the British band that was part of the 1970s “glam rock” era. Some of the lyrics from T. Rex’s hit song “Bang a Gong (Get It On)” are shown in the beginning of the movie, and the song is played during the film’s end credits. In a scene where Longlegs is driving by himself, he is listening to T. Rex’s “Planet Queen” in his car. And at Longlegs’ home, there’s a photo of T. Rex lead singer Marc Bolan hanging on Longlegs’ bedroom wall.

“Longlegs” does not show this serial killer as much as the movie’s title might suggest. His entire face isn’t revealed until about halfway through the movie. One of the movie’s biggest flaws is how it shows that Longlegs (his real name is eventually revealed) has been a well-known weirdo in the communities where he’s lived. There’s a scene where he walks into a convenience store and does his usual bizarre rambling. His physical appearance is also unsettling.

The teenage clerk (played by Bea Perkins) who’s at the cash register knows who he is and seems slightly alarmed but she also doesn’t seem surprised that he’s acting this way. It seems hard to believe that this creep hasn’t been on law enforcement’s radar sooner because he would stand out as a likely suspect by people in the community who would tell law enforcement about him. He’s not the type of serial killer who easily “blends in” anywhere.

Just like writer/director Perkins did for his 2020 horror film “Gretel & Hansel,” he bathes “Longlegs” in lighting that’s filled with brown and dark gold. (Andres Arochi is the cinematographer for “Longlegs.” Galo Olivares is the cinematographer for “Gretel & Hansel.”) There are just a few atmospheric scenes in “Longlegs” that don’t further the story very well. However, the storytelling in “Longlegs” is a marked improvement over the frequently incoherent “Gretel & Hansel.”

“Longlegs” does a very good job at keeping viewers intrigued about who Longlegs really is and the motives for his crimes. The revelations aren’t always predictable. The death scenes in the movie are quite gory and bloody, but not excessive. What sets “Longlegs” apart from many other “serial killer on the loose” horror movies is how it takes the story to an unexpected and twisted revelation that won’t soon be forgotten.

Neon will release “Longlegs” in U.S. cinemas on July 12, 2024. The movie will be released on digital and VOD on August 23, 2024. “Longlegs” wll be released on 4K Ultra HD, Blu-ray and DVD on September 24, 2024.

Review: ‘Gretel & Hansel,’ starring Sophia Lillis, Sammy Leakey and Alice Krige

January 30, 2020

by Carla Hay

“Gretel & Hansel”

Directed by Osgood “Oz” Perkins

Culture Representation: The predominantly white cast of characters live in a fictional fantasy world from the ancient past, mostly depicting the working class and poor members of that society.

Culture Clash: Two underage runaway siblings find themselves staying at the house of an evil witch, who doesn’t want them to leave.

Culture Audience: “Gretel & Hansel” will appeal mostly to horror fans or people who like to see movie adaptations of classic fairly tales, but this movie’s uninspiring and weak story will surely disappoint most viewers.

Alice Krige in “Gretel & Hansel” (Photo by Patrick Redmond/Orion Pictures)

Just like a witch’s spell that makes something rotten appear to be enticing, “Gretel & Hansel” is a horror movie that looks visually thrilling, but it’s really an ugly mess. The movie is a reimagining of the classic Brothers Grimm fairy tale “Hansel and Gretel” (published in 1812 in Germany), but the movie’s ludicrous plot twists have very little resemblance to the original story. (The movie’s log line is “A Grim Fairy Tale,” a cheeky nod to the origin story.)

The core concept of “Hansel and Gretel” is still in the movie—a homeless young brother and sister try to survive by themselves in the woods when they are enticed into a house owned by a cannibalistic witch. But in this botched attempt to make “Gretel & Hansel” a dark feminist tale, director Osgood “Oz” Perkins and screenwriter Rob Hayes have put too much emphasis on style over substance, and they’ve sacrificed story development for gory scares that come too little, too late in the film. The hypnotic cinematography from Galo Olivares is the best thing about this dreadfully dull movie.

There are so many things wrong with “Gretel & Hansel” that the movie should be used as an example of what not to do in adapting a classic fairly tale into a movie. Sophia Lillis, who plays a teenage Gretel, is usually very talented—for now, she’s best known for being the token girl in the “It” movies—but she’s unfortunately miscast in this movie. Lillis definitely comes across as too modern for the role—and having a pixie haircut doesn’t make her a convincing Gretel—because she keeps her American accent and contemporary teenage mannerisms in a film that’s supposed to take place in a time long before the United States ever existed.

Meanwhile, Sammy Leakey who plays Greta’s brother Hansel (who’s about 7 to 9 years old) has a British accent, and the old, evil witch Holda (played by Alice Krige) has an accent that sounds like a mixture of Irish and Krige’s native South African. This hodgepodge of international accents is very distracting and ultimately a detriment to this movie that’s supposed to convey a very insular world.

It’s not as if all the characters should have had a German accent or even the same accent for the entire cast. It’s just lazy filmmaking for the movie’s two siblings, who grew up together, to have accents from two different countries. Lillis seems like a good-enough actress to at least try to have a British accent to match the Hansel character in the movie. As for Leakey’s acting skills, let’s just say that “Gretel & Hansel” was a very lucky break for him indeed.

“Gretel & Hansel” does not have a kindly father, who plays a crucial role in the original fairy tale. Instead, the siblings’ uncaring mother (whose has a British accent) is single and impoverished, and willing to prostitute Gretel out to a sleazy old man, who pretends to want to hire Gretel as a maid. After he makes it clear what his intentions are when he asks Gretel if she’s still “intact” (in other words, if she’s still a virgin), Gretel runs away and tells her mother, who scolds her for not doing what the man wanted for money. (That sexual-harassment subplot is definitely not in the original fairy tale.) Her mother resents Gretel for taking up space and threatens to send her to a convent. Gretel refuses to go because it would mean that she would be separated from Hansel.

Gretel then decides to runs away with Hansel, and they end up sleeping in what they think is an empty castle. But the castle owner (another creepy old man) shocks them out of their sleep and chases after them with murderous intent. He’s killed by a mystical character called The Hunter (played by Charles Babalola), a bow-and-arrow-slinging nomad, who kindly takes in Gretel and Hansel by giving them food and a temporary place to stay.

Gretel has been taught by her mother that people who show generosity will expect something in return, so Gretel is surprised when The Hunter doesn’t expect the siblings to repay his kindness. Instead, he advises Gretel and Hansel to offer their work services to the townspeople. He suggests that Hansel become a forester by developing tree-chopping skills, and Gretel could do traditional women’s work of harvesting and preparing food. The movie wants us to believe that Gretel is a smart and empowered feminist in the making (her interactions with Hansel are basically her telling him what to do and him questioning her), but her later actions in the story make you question her intelligence and leadership skills.

There are also a few quirks in “Gretel & Hansel” that don’t really fit with the foreboding atmosphere that is supposed to be portrayed. One of these quirks is the oddball way that characters in the movie make pig-snorting sounds as a sign of affection. Hansel and Gretel do this with each other, and then later the witch Holda does it too, as a way of trying to bond with the kids. It’s a weird component to the film that seems like a misguided attempt at humor.

Another thing that takes you out of the movie is when Holda drops a glass, which breaks on the floor, and she somewhat chuckles and utters something like, “Oh, well. Another one bites the dust.” Although the rock band Queen might be amused that this ancient witch namechecked a phrase their hit song made famous in pop culture, it’s an example of how awkward the writing is for this movie.

Another out-of-left-field moment happens when, after Gretel and Hansel leave The Hunter and before they see the witch’s house, the two siblings are wandering around while starving in the woods, and they eat mushrooms that turn out to be psychedelic. For about five minutes of the movie, people have to sit through a scene of two children having a drug trip. It’s played for laughs, and it’s an unnecessary scene that throws the apprehensive tone of the film a little off-balance.

Before they get to the witch’s house, Gretel sees some shadowy figures that look like witches in the distance. And a flashback backstory is shown about a girl from the past who was demonized by the townspeople for her magical powers, which include killing a cow just by staring at it. By the time Hansel and Gretel get to the witch’s house, you want some real horror to happen. Just like in the original fairy tale, a starving Hansel and Gretel go into the house when they see a lavish meal prepared on the table.

The witch who lives there startles them and keeps them there by offering them a place to stay and sumptuous meals every day. Gretel is automatically suspicious because she doesn’t see how the food is prepared and where it’s coming from—there’s plenty of meat and milk, but no cows or other animals on the property—but she stays because the food is too tempting and she doesn’t know where else to go. Meanwhile, Gretel keeps having visions of being in a room with a young witch (who looks less like an ancient witch and more like a Goth who just came from a Marilyn Manson concert) in a room where there’s a bloody tablecloth—and you can guess what’s underneath.

But “Gretel & Hansel” commits the worst sin of all for a horror movie: There are long stretches where nothing much happens except the protagonists (in this case, Hansel and Gretel) looking anxious or confused. Gretel has nightmares that are made to look like the events are happening in real time, but then you find out it was only a dream when she’s startled out of her sleep. This gimmick might be acceptable one time in a movie, but when it keeps happening in this type of horror flick, viewers’ patience will start to wear thin.

As the evil witch Holda, actress Krige oozes hellish decay and malevolence, even when Holda tries to appear maternal and protective. And truth be told, Holda is the one who has the most personality in the whole movie. Unfortunately, Gretel in this film is written as a monotonous shell of a person who thinks she’s smart, but she keeps making dumb decisions. (Hansel can’t be blamed for much because he’s too young to know better.)

The cinematography and production design for the movie are interesting, in that the witch’s house isn’t a complete stereotype of being musty and filled with spiderwebs. Most of the house’s interior is dark, but clean and bathed in a dark golden glow. There’s also a room that is entirely in white, to contrast with some very disturbing and bloody things that happen in that room. And Holda’s and other witches’ fingertips look like they were dipped in black paint, which is an aesthetic that isn’t really seen in movies with witch characters.

But all of those eye-catching motifs don’t mean much when the story and characters are nonsensical and tedious. For example, Gretel finds out at some point in the story that she has a specific power, which she doesn’t use until it’s almost too late. There’s no point in trying to make sense of this movie, because it doesn’t have a story or character worth caring about or remembering long after you’ve seen it.

Orion Pictures will release “Gretel & Hansel” in U.S. cinemas on January 31, 2020.